Get thee to a nunnery!

iykyk

Okay... we all knew it was going to happen sooner or later. The man talk. I make it a point not to have my life/thoughts revolve around romantic inclinations because, in my limited experience, it is not a secure line of thinking. Unfortunately, the human male species has been on my mind quite a bit lately. My first (and only, so far) love recently got married, and I'll tell you what... the vindication I felt at being shown just how correct I was to break things off with him was as painful as it was freeing. Deep down, I knew that while he might have bought an engagement ring for me, it was not for me. Boy wanted to get married to literally anyone, and I happen to be marriageable as hell. During our breakup, I was devastated to have to break his heart, but I also knew that I should not have to be the mother/leader in a relationship with a man. If he does not take the initiative to show interest in the things you care about, legitimately support your goals and dreams, and, I don't know, maybe visit you every once in a gosh darn while, then he does not care about you. While I do believe that this man loved me, I truly think he only loved me for how well I loved him. Not to brag (total brag), I am a fantastic girlfriend. I show up, I put in so much effort into making people feel loved and seen, and I'm intentional as hell. Towards the end, I knew he knew nothing about me when he said, "I can't wait for you to be a stay-at-home mom"... Girl, WHAT? So you do not know anything about my dreams... or honestly personality. There has not been ONE day of my life where that's been something I have wanted. Ask my mother. I have so much admiration for mothers of all kinds, but my lifelong dream has always been about furthering my education and career. That moment specifically hit me like a ton of bricks. I gave so much of myself to this man and he did not give a damn. Intentionally or not, he wanted me to be the perfect wife and mother for him, he did not want me to be myself. I was so close to giving him that, too. I loved him so much that I would have, but nothing quite feeds the "I'm a burden" mindset than loving someone more than they love you.

Anywho, that guy was a while ago, and since then, I've, unfortunately, had a few weird talking stages with men equally underserving of my attention. There was Muscle Man, the love-bomber with herpes, the drummer boy named after lettuce, and finally, Teacher Boy. I have learned a lot from each of these relationships, and most of that learning is that boys do not think as much or as well as women (this is a blanket statement, I know, please don't come for me). They never know what they want, or if they do, they refuse to say it out loud. And they all, in my experience, want to be the passenger princess (metaphorically). God forbid a girl wants to feel seen, appreciated, and pursued as a woman, because these days it is literally not happening. I mean, I know it is happening sometimes, I've seen all of my brothers pursue the hell out of their wives, and I have one friend with a real-life good man as a partner, but it is rare enough that I have yet to experience it. Am I crazy for wanting someone who makes it known that they want me?

I am finally back to a point in my life where I feel stable enough for a real relationship, but these men are dragging my mental health back down to hell with them. I should never question my self-worth when I am interested in someone. I should never have to guess if they are interested in me. I would love to never have to pull the "what are we" conversation out of someone ever again. I should NEVER feel unseen or unknown when I love someone, romantic or not. At this moment, I feel so fed up with whatever is in the water men are drinking, that the next one is going to have to freaking work for it. No more miss "I'll entertain it because he's nice". I am far from a perfect person, girl has issues and I know it, but if there is one thing about me that I am proud of is that I love well. I love my people so much, it is physically painful. And if one more mediocre man takes advantage of that...

I am going to become a nun.

Xoxo

MB