the abyss (dun dun duuuun)

So we're back again, staring into the abyss of the future unknown. Graduation is a speeding train headed right for us, and the next three months have the same amount of guarantees as I do money (very little). A small tangent about me: I have a degree in English Literature with the intent of becoming a Librarian. I am currently looking for positions in that field to give me more experience before I head to grad school next year. Tonight I'm panicking because I just found out I need to get a teaching license and pass a separate library test thing in order to have the requirements needed to get said job. Ugh. So far, life is just trying desperately to hold on to any scrap of plan/aspiration/dream, while it drags me in every direction except the one I expect it to. My question of the day is, how the heck do we not fall off and into the abyss?

I am sorry if this sounds repetitive; this topic will probably be on my mind until it gets resolved, so y'all are in this with me. I feel like every time I get a grasp of what I want to do with my life career-wise, some new, random piece of information, or life event, throws me off kilter. Middle school music teacher? You don't have the personality for it. Forensic biologist? You don't have the stamina for it. Novel editor? Competitive and remote work (not my jam). Librarian? Congrats, here are the 7,000 things you need to complete before that can become reality. Now I am always up for a challenege and learning more, but damn can't a girl catch a break? There are only so many days as a barista I can bear before I start slapping wrists as they grab a drink that's not theirs.

The abyss calls to me often. Especially now, when there seems to be more at stake. I do not want to fall behind. My friends are getting the jobs that they have been studying and training for the last four years, getting significant others, and making plans for their glorious futures. I do not want to be stuck in a coffee shop, trying and failing to make my dreams come true. My first love got married a few days ago, and our breakup was recent enough that it stung more than I care to admit. Not that I miss him in that way, or wish it was me with the ring (there's so much more tea to this, but I'm having a serious moment rn), but the oppressive feeling of needing to catch up made it hard to breathe for a bit. Other people seem to have it all figured out, so why don't I? Of course, I know that life is wildly different behind closed doors, and in reality, most people have no idea what they're doing. Still, I guess others are better at faking it than I am.

On the other hand... WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE? I don't want to be a teacher, or a social worker, or married to a man who doesn't brush his teeth! If I am meant to be a librarian, then doors will open and I will work my ass off to make it happen. If not, then I will figure it out and everything will be okay. The abyss does not control me, it motivates me. Life does not end as it changes. We will grow, adapt, become, and thrive. I have no idea what I'm doing. How exciting.

Xoxo,

MB